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Royal Rumble: NHL Edition

courtesy of Getty Images

courtesy of Getty Images

Ever wonder how NHL players would fair in a ring together for a chance at the Stanley Cup? 1 Player from each team is chosen to represent their respective franchise in hopes to win the grand prize, automatic birth into the Stanley Cup Final. Now ladies and gentlemen…. GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLE!


Carolina Hurricanes: Scott Darling, he’s always had a lumberjack beard and is the biggest frame on the Hurricanes standing in at a height of 6 feet 6 inches, Darling’s quickness will be key to avoiding going over the ropes.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Sergei Bobrovsky, trains avidly with Vladimir Putin during the off season and we all know Putin isn’t messing around with the KGB facilities, Bob is certainly one of the favorites.

New Jersey Devils: Brian Boyle, 6’’6 245 pounds it will not be easy to knock this ton of bricks over and considering he protects the entire Devil team on a nightly basis, I expect him to be ready to throw some haymakers.

New York Islanders: Scott Mayfield, Scott Mayfield? Baker Mayfield? Evander Holyfield?? No reasoning necessary.

New York Rangers: Mats Zuccarello, Rangers try and defy the conventional with a Rey Mysterio esque wrestler, including Mats signature move from the top ropes, the 929.

Philadelphia Flyers: Dale Weise, let’s be honest, any player from the Broad Street Bullies could be used but Weise can take a punch like no other and is a seasoned vet with the gloves off.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Ryan Reaves, babysits Crosby, great sound effects and chirping skills, no racial subjectivity was used in the selection of this player…. Odds on favorite for the Metro.

Washington Capitals: Tom Wilson, good Canadian lad who is not small on anyone’s height range and can pack a mean punch while smoking a dart in the other hand.


Boston Bruins: Zdeno Chara, he might be old but he still 6”9. Chara’s reach gives him a superior advantage but his knees are a bigger target than Osama in 01.

Buffalo Sabres: Evander Kane, Buffalo wants to get rid of him so bad they toss him into the ring in hopes he gets injured and can’t touch the puck the rest of the year but his feistiness is nothing short of scary.

Detroit Red Wings: Tyler Bertuzzi, Tyler called his uncle Todd who told him to use his signature move “neck breaker”, Bertuzzi stands a chance if he is behind is opponents at all times.

Florida Panthers: Nick Bjugstad, his towering presence makes him a lethal competitor but the guy who would not hurt a fly so he quietly walks out of the ring and Florida takes yet another L.

Montreal Canadiens: Brendan Gallagher, one of the biggest pests in the NHL and finally gets to use that scrappiness somewhere other than the ice and is being compared to Mankind/Mick Foley’s famous sock.

Ottawa Senators:  Alexandre Burrows, *goes on google*, *search Burrows beats up Hall*, *watches video*, immediate favorite to win Atlantic.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Nikita Kucherov, rarely speaks English to his teammates so you know this guy is no joke. Reports also confirm he trains alongside Bobrovsky and Putin, be afraid, be very afraid.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Matt Martin, closest thing to being a fighter on the Toronto franchise, he might as well be useful somewhere.



Chicago Blackhawks: Joel Quenville, uses his old man strength to show that he is the main reason behind the dynasty that is the Chicago Blackhawks.

Colorado Avalanche: Nail Yakupov, the only thing that can make up for being the biggest bust in history is taking home the royal rumble title, lots of bottled up frustration ready to be unleashed.

Dallas Stars: Martin Hanzal, standing at a whopping 6”6, 230 pounds Hanzal is classified as a heavyweight fighter is a force to be reckoned with, Czech Mate.

Minnesota Wild: Christ Stewart, 242 pounds of pure grit, Stewart is a big body presence that has the balance of a mountain goat, watch out for that left hook.

Nashville Predators: Scott Hartnell, Hartnell brings back his most skilled asset to the ring by incorporating his finishing move on anyone around him “Hartnell Down”.

St Louis Blues: Chris Thorburn, you ever wonder what would happened if you were to mix Jesus Christ with Connor McGregor?

Winnipeg Jets: Dustin Byfuglien, Dusty got told that he should take this opportunity like his off season off workouts, he brought himself back to his average weight of 275 pounds, good luck to all.


Anaheim Ducks: Kevin Bieksa, this is just another average Saturday night for this guy so there should be no surprise if he single handily takes every one of the ring.

Arizona Coyotes: Paul Bissonette, BizNasty signs a one game contract where he got kicked out of the game instantly so he would be fresh for this fight, cue the Randy Orton “Watch out, watch out, watch out”.

Calgary Flames: Curtis Lazar, Calgary chose Lazar because of his smiling abilities, the team believes he can stand there and smile for the entirety of the fight and will not get touched because of his “cute chubby cheeks”.

Edmonton Oilers: Zack Kassian, he has been waiting for this opportunity his whole life, finally gets to contribute more than 12 minutes of his time to the Oilers organization.

Los Angeles Kings: Dion Phaneuf, you are going to sit there and tell me he wasn’t traded because of this event? Dion has been taking “fighting on set” classes with his wife Alicia Cuthbert, ironically Sean Avery was also there.

San Jose Sharks: Brent Burns, already has a lack of jibs so this was just a fun event for Burnsy, where he will hide behind his beard until someone notices him, similar to the “bush” strategy in Fortnite.

Vancouver Canucks: Anders Nilsson, 6”6, Swedish, and Anders is a pretty bad ass name. Canucks are terrible even in a Royal Rumble.

Vegas Golden Knights: James Neal, finally proves to the world where he earned the nick name “the real deal”.

Who you got?

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